If I Am
by Cheyne
Summary: Tsuzuki's thoughts about Hisoka, almost like a letter. Contains shounen-ai, so if that's not your cup o' sake, don't read it. ^^


Taking a break from angst and trios here, this is a relatively short, fluffy songfic to a song I heard on the radio at something like 2AM, when I was driving home from a new year's party. ^^; I was like, "Hey, this would be neat for Tsuzuki and Hisoka. I think I'll write it."  
  
So here it is. ^.~  
  
Notes: Shounen-ai, fluff, sap, WAFF, and juuust a bit of angst. If I Am belongs to Nine Days, and the YnM characters belong to their creator whose name I don't know. Tsuzuki's POV. Am I the only one who thinks he's really hard to write? =\ Spoilers abound, so beware!  
  
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If I Am  
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//So you're standing on a ledge  
It looks like you might fall  
So far down  
That maybe you were thinking about jumping//  
  
Hisoka, you've always been so distant from the rest of us.. but lately, that's been changing. After you saved me from Toudo's flames, you've seemed reluctant to leave my side. Don't think I don't like that, though! I mean, it's great having you near me. Even though you do call me an idiot a lot of the time, and you think I eat too many sweets. NOBODY can eat too many sweets! They're food for the soul, you know.  
Still, you've seemed to come closer to us lately. I know when you first came to us, you were extremely standoffish. Were you afraid we'd hurt you? That's what I think, though you've never told me, and I've never asked. I know what Muraki did to you. Even now, thinking about it makes me want to find that bastard and murder him with my bare hands. But.. I'm vulnerable to him. I can't take that chance. You understand, don't you?  
Hisoka.. don't be afraid of us, okay? Especially not me. You're part of our family now. You -are- wanted here, believe me! Watari was telling me just the other day that 003 has gotten used to perching on your head while you read in the library. He smiled when he was telling me that, because he likes you. So does 003. Tatsumi likes you, too, although I guess it's kind of hard to tell that he likes -anyone- at times. So.. trust us, all right? We're not going to hurt you, or chase you away, or lock you up and throw away the key. That'd be really hypocritical, since we -all- have various psychic powers.  
  
//Now you could have it all  
If you learned a little patience  
For though I cannot fly  
I'm not content to crawl//  
  
I know you're eager to learn how to use ofuda, and to advance your skill with the sword. Just.. calm down a little, will you? You don't have to be a master of it within the next week! Relax, and enjoy life. Afterlife. Whatever. Heh, I can almost see the gleam in your eyes when you're determined.. you want to be the best. Why? Watari and Tatsumi told me about your fight with Oriya.. how when you fought him, he slashed you over and over, but you didn't give up. For me, right? ... I don't know what to say.  
Your spirit is so strong, Hisoka. Just.. be patient. All the skills and everything you want to learn.. it'll come to you in time. I promise! I haven't been here for seventy-some odd years and not -learned- anything. You have a long time ahead of you, so I know you'll be able to learn a lot. I bet someday, you might be more powerful than me. I sense something very strong inside of you, Hisoka. You just have to learn to control it, or else it'll get the best of you.   
  
//So give me a little credit  
Have in me a little faith  
I want to be with you forever  
If tomorrow's not too late  
But it's always too late when you've got nothing  
So you say  
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow  
Before the sun rises today...//  
  
You know I love you, don't you? When you saved me, you held me so close, and you begged me to stay with you. That means you love me too, right? Sometimes, at night, when you're next to me.. I just lay awake and look at you. You're so beautiful. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to get up the courage to tell you how I feel about you.. and I'm -really- sorry it had to happen the way it did.   
I know at first you were afraid of it.. afraid of my feelings, and afraid of yours. You knew you wanted to stay with me, but you didn't know what that would imply.. what you would have to do. Still, you've been nothing if not persistant, and I know you're happy. I want to stay with you always, Hisoka, because if your place is at my side, then my place is at yours.. and that's where I want to be, always.   
I know I can be a little frusterating at times.. uh, okay, a lot frusterating at times. I've gone through a lot of partners.. but I know you'll probably be my last, because we love eachother. I know at one time you were almost ready to give up on me, back when we first started, but something kept you with me.. and whatever that was, I'm really happy for it!   
  
//If I am  
Another waste of everything you dreamed of  
I will let you down  
If I am  
Only here to watch you as you suffer  
I will let you down//  
  
At the beginning.. I was so sad, when you kept giving me disgusted looks and calling me stupid. I was ready to give up, too. I thought I was holding you back from whatever it was you wanted.. so I was going to let you go. Surprisingly, it was Tatsumi who talked me out of it. He told me to be patient with you, to stay with you and help you out. I wanted to, but at the same time, I didn't want to. I just.. I thought, somehow, that I'd failed you. Even after what happened the first time we encountered Muraki, I thought I'd failed you, because I let him get you.  
I never forgave him for that. When I saw you tied to that mattress, crucified like some sick offering, bleeding, the light in your eyes dimming.. I was ready to bring the building down around us. I almost did. I wanted to save you. I remember.. you let me use your body, use your power, to summon Suzaku. We didn't have to die that day.. thanks to you. You still scorned me, though, and.. I was hurt. I was ready to let you go. But something held me back.. something told me to just wait and see what happened. I knew you'd been hurt a lot in the past, and it was very hard to earn your trust.. and I -wanted- to. Very, very badly. I wanted you.. to trust me.  
  
//So you're walking on the edge  
And you wait your turn to fall  
But you're so far gone  
That you don't see  
The hands upheld to catch you//  
  
You died in such horrible agony, Hisoka.. you lived that way, too. When you came to us, you were.. I'd almost say you were broken. Muraki.. he raped you, tortured you, and made your death take three long years. You were only sixteen. At least I had gotten to live ten years longer.. though eight of those I can't remember, which is a blessing. You were falling, but we were all there to catch you. Watari, Tatsumi, and I.. we weren't going to let anything happen to you.  
We watched you struggle to control your powers, and you lashed out whenever one of us got too close. I know, because I remember when I grabbed you outside of the library. The raw force of your power pushed me back, and you looked so hurt, because my emotions were burying you. I didn't understand then. I thought you were just pushing me away, like you'd pushed everyone else away. Now.. I know better. You weren't expecting to find friends, were you? It must have been a really pleasant surprise when you did.  
  
//And you could find the fault  
In the heart that you've been handed  
For though you cannot fly  
You're not content to crawl//   
  
You're so perceptive, too, Hisoka. You knew immediately that I was terrified of being rejected again, especially after what Muraki did to me in Kyoto. That weakness.. you would have been completely in your rights to push me away because of it, you know. It's a huge burden to bear, but you.. were always willing to bear it for me. I know sometimes you get tired of it all, and I wonder sometimes if you've questioned your descision to.. stay with me. But you'd never really regret it, would you?  
  
//So you're standing on a ledge  
It looks like you might fall...  
If I am  
Another waste of everything you dreamed of  
I will let you down...  
If I am  
Only here to watch you as you suffer  
I will let you down...//  
  
Thank you, Hisoka. Thank you for not giving up on me.. thank you for saving my life. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes, and you've taken that in stride and helped me heal. It's been hard, I know. I remember.. the one time I asked you if you wanted to leave. Thinking about it now.. it makes me smile. I know you're always very defensive of what's close to you!  
"Na, Hisoka." I remember you looking up at me, the wind ruffling your hair, your eyes curious.  
"What, Tsuzuki?" You lifted a hand to brush your bangs out of your face. They frusterate you, so why don't you cut them? Heh, you never have.. because I like your hair that way, maybe.  
I paused, then bit my lip. "You.. I know it isn't easy for you. So.. if you want to go.." My voice trailed off.  
You looked at me like I'd just spoken in some kind of bizzare foregin language, and then a momentary look of fury appeared in your eyes. It scared me. Before I could do or say anything, you launched yourself at me, burying your face in my chest. "Baka!" you yelled. It sounded to me like you were trying not to cry.  
Hisoka.. thank you..  
  
//The answers we find  
Are never what we had in mind  
So we make it up as we go along  
You don't talk of dreams  
I won't mention tomorrow  
We won't make those promises  
That we can't keep...//  
  
It's been a long journey for both of us, hasn't it? We've had to fight hard to get to where we are now. But as far as I'm concerned, it's all been worth it. To hold you close to me, and know you're mine.. that's all I really need! I sound like a romantic fool, don't I? You'd probably call me a baka if you could hear my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if you can't, when you randomly look at me out of the corner of your eyes, your head tilted like you're listening to something. Usually when I'm thinking something stupid.  
So.. we've agreed not to live for the future, but to live for today. As long as I'm by your side, that's all I need to survive. I'll give you the time you need away from me when you need it.. just like you'll give me the comfort I need when I'm upset or doubting myself. Our relationship isn't perfect, sure, but.. what relationship is? We'll always argue back and forth, but in the end, we'll always make up. Our love is strong, Hisoka, and it's helped me more than you may ever know.  
So.. just remember that I love you, all right? I love you. I'll stay with you.. until you want me to go. And.. I know you never will, so.. does that mean I can say.. I'll stay with you forever?  
All right.. thank you again, Hisoka. For.. everything. I'm so happy.. and I know you are, too.  
Arigatou.  
Aishiteru.  
  
//I will never leave you  
I will not let you down  
I will never leave you  
I will not let you down...//   
  
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Owari  
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This took about thirty minutes to write, and it's one of the shortest pieces I've done, but.. I think it's kawaii. ^^ Any thoughts on it are more than welcome.  
  
-- Cheyne  
cheyne@everlastingstory.net  
http://gluhen.tripod.com  
8:16 PM 1/1/2002 


End file.
